Leash: A strap that attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your owner where you want him or her to go. Make sure that you are waiting patiently with leash in mouth when your owner comes home from work. This immediately makes your owner feel guilty and the walk is lengthened by a good 10 minutes.
Dog Bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as a white bedspread, newly upholstered couch or the dry cleaning that was just picked up.
Drool: What you do when your owners have food and you don't. To do this properly, sit as close as you can, look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet on their laps.
Sniff: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs or those people that sometimes smell like dogs.
Garbage Can: A container your neighbors put out weekly to test your ingenuity. Stand on your hind legs and push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right, you are rewarded with food wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume, moldy crusts of bread and sometimes even an old Nike.
Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The rider swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
Thunder: A signal the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling, panting, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels.
Wastebasket: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house. This is particularly fun to do when there are guests for dinner and you prance around with the contents of that very special bathroom wastepaper basket!
Sofas: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. If there are people sitting on the couch just include them as a handy wipe.
Bath: A process owners use to clean you, drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
Lean: Every good dog's response to the command "sit," especially if your owner is dressed for an evening out. This is incredibly effective before black-tie events.
Love: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction, shared by you and your owner. Show it by wagging your tail.
